Last night (ok it was actually four nights ago, I was behind on editing this) I did something I’ve been waiting for for a while now, I ordered a binder. This came a month after I finally decided to do it, I’d been thinking about it for much longer, but wasn’t ready to actually buy one yet.
There were quite a few delays in me actually getting one. First I had to measure myself, then I found out I had done it wrong, so I had to do it again. Equipped with my proper measurements I sent an email to customer support asking for a size recommendation (technically I sent another email, the first one was with the off measurements, so the customer service person helped me out figuring out how to do it right). I got a reply back really quickly, only to find out the size was sold out. That was ok, I was waiting on my last paycheck anyway; so I signed up to be notified when they got more in. Which was only a couple of days later. Unfortunately, that was the same day my credit card information had been stolen so I had to put a freeze on my card. By the time that finally got sorted out they were sold out again. So back to the waiting list. Then finally I got another in-stock e-mail, and this time, I had a working credit card. So I placed my order.
I’m super excited. And honestly a little nervous too. Since I’ve never had one before I don’t know how tight is too tight, so even with the sizing help, I’m a little worried it won’t fit. But that’s ok because if that is what happens .I can get a new one shipped for free since I asked them for sizing help. So overall I can’t wait for that package to arrive. (Also I just want to clarify that the delays in my getting ordering it was 100% on me, they had great response time throughout the whole thing and if I wasn’t having terrible luck I would probably have it already). (Also for anyone wanting to know where I got the binder, it’s from GC2B. I’ll probably write more about them and the binder when I get it).
And ok sure it’s just a piece of fabric that will (hopefully) help flatten my (already fairly small thankfully) chest, it’s not a magic wand that is going to suddenly take away all of my dysphoria about my chest, but it’s still a pretty exciting step that’s definitely going to help. Which leads me to what I really want to talk about today: self-acceptance.
One of the most common arguments I see against transgender people (other than religious based arguments) is, “why can’t you just accept yourself?” Well, I want to say something to those people: I do accept myself. It took a while (and somedays I maybe don’t do as great of a job at it) but I’ve learned to love myself, and that includes embracing the fact that I’m non-binary. And I know some trans people do hate being trans, and sometimes that makes them hate themselves, and I want to send good vibes to anyone in that situation. That being said, it doesn’t mean that I automatically hate myself just because I’m non-binary, I don’t. And that being said I’m not saying I’ve got everything figured out, I don’t, what I am saying, is that I’m getting there, and somedays I am there, sometimes I’m not. But all that’s ok (even if it doesn’t always feel like it).
The other argument I hear a lot is, which also relates to self-acceptance, is “why change something that can’t be changed?” Well, I’ve got something to say to those people too. Sure I can’t undo the fact that I was anatomically born a certain way, but so what? The truth is, what’s in my pants is no one’s business.
And honestly, limiting myself to a certain gender just because of my anatomy seems pretty silly to me, why should something so arbitrary as my anatomy determine who I am? Some people don’t ever question their gender, and that’s perfectly fine, but so is realizing that you shouldn’t force to identify in a certain because someone early on declared “IT’S A BOY!” or “IT’S A GIRL”. People are a lot more complex and wonderful than that.
So yeah, I can’t wait to get my binder, and the flat chest appearance that will bring, but I also accept myself for who I am.